If Vision Is The Only Validation, Then Most Of My Life Isn't Real…

If Vision Is The Only Validation, Then Most Of My Life Isn't Real…

By- Adrija Gupta

I’m going crazy. My head aches, my legs are injured, I feel gross and I’m confused. I don’t know what to do at all. My mind is playing games with me, dirty games, once again…now what does that make me? Where do I stand then? Why do I have such a swinging mind? Why can’t I like one substance forever? The only thing that has been constant with me is Music, nothing else has been…I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should believe my mind when it says that I’m still very small to think too much and give myself and mu mind a freaking break. But I’m not able to do that either. I’m screwed, in short. Confused state of mind is what I have, and my brain is in agony, and it’s so much that physically I feel that I’m drowning. I’m trying to blame myself, but somewhere in a dark corner, a feeling is not letting me do that too, telling me that it’s not my fault that I’m designed this way.

All I need right now is a heavy dose of psychedelic music, hat will help for sure. I need to take a break from myself. I’m thinking too much and that is the problem. But there is no one physically around me to stop me from doing that. It’s like there’s a whirlwind inside my brain and it hurts. I can literally feel it when I close and shrink my eyes. I hope that when I open my eyes it’ll all go away like a nightmare, but it doesn’t. I’m confused with my own self now. I don’t know what my own feelings mean anymore, I need a break…aaarrrggghhh!

Wish I could shout out, scream to the core, maybe then I’ll feel good, better…

If vision is the only validation, then most of my life isn’t real…

The Shell

The Shell

By- Adrija Gupta

There are clouds in your eyes,

And there’s the bright sun you can’t see.

There is a grave volume right in front of you,

But there are words inside that you can’t read.

You only hear what all the birds tweet,

But the emigrated robin you don’t believe.

You just see it’s red breast and brown wings,

Very few of you know that it also sings.

You see a little girl weep by the street,

You see blood streaming from her knees, you console.

Your job is well done here, you are satisfied deep,

But you’ll never know that it’s the cry of acceptance from her eyes she bleeds.

Black always isn’t evil just as white always isn’t the holy light,

Thump goes your heart and so does everybody’s hearts beat.

Sharp-cold ice can cut through your flesh and make you bleed,

But if you see, it too can melt with a bit of compassionate heat.

It’s funny you understand the worth when things are gone,

You are not ready to accept things for what they are.

You always yearn for changes and see the wrongs,

But when it’s gone, its return is all that you long.

Character is something you can point out easily,

Seeing that little girl sob and blue makes you happy.

All the tears she sheds in the dark night,

But the fake smile on her face in the day light is all you see.

To tell the truth,

It’s the shell you see,

Not exactly me…

Confused State Of Mind- Weird Me

Confused State Of Mind- Weird Me

By- Adrija Gupta

My head couldn’t be heftier,

But what can I say? It’s the usual me.

Well, normally, obscurely,

I am the weird one you see.

I can sense the change coming,

It’s going to be gargantuan I know.

Everything seems vague,

Feels like I am standing still from a decade or so.

Words aren’t pouring out so easily this time,

What should I do to get what I need?

Shedding saline won’t help much,

I’m walking even though I don’t know where this path leads.

Here’s the funny part, I don’t know what I need,

I want to cry but I don’t have a particular reason for it.

I didn’t know time is slower than tortoise!

I know I’m going to remember every bit.

Wish I could jump off a cliff and feel the thrill,

Sleeping at queer time would be good too.

Stuffing me with ice-cream doesn’t help either.

Everything’s so bizarre; I don’t know what to do!

If I scream I’ll get big ‘Shut Up’s!

But do I really care? No I don’t.

Many want me to change and be the way they are,

But will I ever? No I won’t.

No particular reason, don’t know what I am frustrated about,

I want to shake and break a lot of heads.

I am lost, I am clueless,

There are many I want dead.

I see dreams that I can make no sense of,

I wonder at times if what I see is real.

At times I start thinking of old times,

Times when I couldn’t afford one time meal.

Am I happy now? Yes I am,

Then why am I breaking my head over nothing?!

You call me crazy, mad, I don’t mind,

If I say I’m not human, you’ll probably say I’m bluffing.

I’m not afraid of the change that’s coming at all,

I have done this more than a dozen times before.

I’m really confused; I don’t know what to feel,

And this feeling less feeling is eating me to the core.

Are the roses really red? Am I really me?

All that we see, is all of it real? Even what we see?

All stupid questions coming in my mind,

Told you I’m screwed, are you laughing as you read?

The situation is rough with roving like this,

I am sick of it now and want to stop.

I don’t really know what fate has in for me,

It all makes me stronger as long as it doesn’t kill me.

As time will fly, I’ll sweat, I’ll bleed,

I am not regretful of any of my deeds.

I look in the mirror and this is what I see,

I see me, and I promise I’ll remain the same weird me.